Charlotte, NC – Resolute in his decision, 7 year old Wesley Bottoms felt it was time to tell his parents that his existence was a mistake. “I know it might be hard to hear, but no rational couple in your situation would have a child,” said the cognizant little tyke. “I was born on July 31st, which means I was conceived on or around Halloween, and child making isn’t planned by adults who still dress as Lilo & Stitch.” Wesley’s parents, Rudy & Patricia Bottoms reacted with shock to the knowledge that their only son might be a mistake. “We never knew,” said Patricia as she held her husband’s hand in solidarity, “we thought we’d planned to have him, but he’d know better than us if he’s actually supposed to be here or not.” Asked for evidence as to his claim, Wesley jumped in with aplomb. “Well Mom still occasionally brushes her teeth with her finger, even when there’s a toothbrush present, because she forgets to close the toilet lid before flushing and she says, ‘Mythbusters proved the bacteria shoots up and clings to your toothbrush and you have to trust Adam and that walrus-looking guy.” Patricia nodded along as Wesley mentioned this, throwing in a, “it’s true,” and a shrug before Wesley continued. “You didn’t use fabric softener before you had me. If you can’t afford fabric softener before a kid, you’re not financially able to have a kid. Simple as that,” he said, matter-of-factly. After listing the evidence, both of the elder Bottoms conceded. “Looking at all the evidence, you’re probably right,” said Rudy, “he brought up how I know all of the Fortnite maps by heart, which is probably a good indicator that I’m not ready to be a father.” At press time, the Bottoms were consulting a local Planned Parenthood to figure out the post-birth abortion laws in their state.
