To the aspiring authors who wound up here,
We at The Ogre will do our best to respond to your submissions in a quick and timely manner but keep in mind that this operation is currently being run by one person, so we do ask that you are patient with the process. Everything published on this site is satirical and intended to make people laugh, so anything mean-spirited will be rejected outright. You must follow the submission directions below without variance otherwise your piece will be outright ignored. Remember that we are a satirical news organization, so we aren’t looking for any loosey-goosey philosophical ruminations that serve as a means of being published simply in an effort to sleep with someone who is impressed by such silly things.
EMAIL SUBMISSIONS TO:
ogresarentreal@gmail.com with the following naming convention as the email subject line:
Submission [category]: ‘[Title Of Piece]’
AVAILABLE CATEGORY OPTIONS:
- News: limit 500 words
- Advice: limit 1000 words
- Op-Ed: limit 1200 words
- Poems: limit 500 words
Format of Submission
All submissions should be formatted as follows:
The Monster Mash Was Clearly About An Orgy [story title]
By Kendall Bithersby [author’s name]
kbithersby@website.com [email address]
@bitherface [twitter handle] (if desired)
[Submission Text]
Copy and paste the text otherwise your submission won’t be read. Do not send an attachment. Leave the suspicious attachments to your weird uncles.
This isn’t a place for glitz and glam, so don’t attempt to ask for fancy colors, fonts, or formatting. We’ve no idea how to implement it and no one really needs to read your article about Kermit’s tarantula farm in turquoise font.
Submission Limitations
You are permitted to submit one thing at a time. If you choose to send another while the first is still being evaluated, both will be dropped from consideration.
DO NOT submit work that appears elsewhere. If you’ve previously published it, we don’t want it. We also don’t care about any of your previous work, so don’t feel the need to share it in order to pump yourself up in our eyes. We publish based on quality alone.
Response Time
The response time will vary depending on the amount of submissions and the length of each piece, but we hope to return with a response within 7-10 days. While most responses probably won’t be to your liking, please understand that we have a silliness to uphold and sometimes even the best written pieces don’t gel with our tone. Please refrain from sending any negative reactions to our responses as they almost certainly will be ignored. None of it is personal, unless you’re Kent. Like i’ve been telling you for years: you’re not worth shit, Kent.
If you haven’t heard back from us within 14 days, feel free to resend your submission. If you fail to hear anything from us after another 14 days, we can’t make our ghosting any more clear.
Rights
You retain rights to your work after publication. Your published work will be housed in our internet archives in perpetuity, and we may re-post a link to your piece on social media sites from time-to-time.
Payment
At this current juncture, we cannot afford to pay for submissions, but hope that the personal fulfillment that comes with becoming a published author will suffice. If you truly feel as though you deserve to be paid for your flowery prose about elevator farters, then you might need to contact your parents about your entitlement issues.
Questions
If you have any further questions regarding the submission process, feel free to tweet at us or send an email to ogresarentreal@gmail.com
