Johnson City, TN – Oscillating between cursing out liquor store cashier, Tad Wallup and saying Hail Mary’s to make up for his sinning, Father Shepherd Nastee let his feelings be known after hearing his local Friar Tuck store no longer carried the blood of Christ. “You’ve just doomed everyone in this town to an eternity in hell,” Father Nastee screamed at Mr. Wallup, who was preoccupied checking the Father’s license. “How do you run out of the blood of our lord? This stuff is precious,” he said as he threw a fifth of Jack Daniels on the ground and then crossed over his heart. Sporting a bemused stare, Mr. Wallup responded, “that guy’s been dead for like 2000 years, man. Honestly it’s impressive they were able to milk him for that long.” After a pause Mr. Wallup continued as he leaned in close to the beet red preacher, “Actually, and I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this, but for years, we’ve been selling you wine that we claimed was blood.” At this point, the preacher started attempting to strangle the cashier, all the while apologizing to his lord. While dodging the violent hands of the man who typically distributes cleansing forgiveness, Mr. Wallup went a step further, saying, “we really couldn’t believe you didn’t notice. Blood and wine taste completely different.” At press time, the priest could be seen trying to bless a box of Franzia in an attempt to thicken it up.
