Give into your impulses. It’s okay to be selfish here, that’s the whole point. Focus on yourself because that’s what needs to happen right now. Sometimes relationships don’t work out. They weren’t the right person. They showed their true colors when they walked in on you cheating on them and didn’t even have the gall to breakup with you first. All because the shock turned them mute. Still, you can’t be with someone who can’t stick up for themselves when they get cheated on. If you were looking to be enabled, you’d still talk to your college friends.
So why are you still obligated to show up in-person to console them from the bad news. Sure, you’re the one causing the bad news, but you’re the last person they’ll want to see. Do the right thing and end it with a text.
Sometimes it’s unavoidable. Are you really supposed to wait until the very end of your moon mission to tell them? Just so you can ruin unrivaled relief knowing their loved one returned to the planets safely with the soul crushing news that you couldn’t help but bang the ship’s botanist? I’m sure they’d understand they saw how hot and bothered you get when she tends to the yam leaves. You don’t believe in cheating, so best to message them in advance to avoid the guilt trip. They’ll appreciate your reverence for now dissolved monogamy pact.
You also can’t possibly be expected to call or video chat, knowing NASA would be listening in, judging you as you break the promise of faithfulness after only two months without seeing her. Especially because it’d ruin your chances with the saucy voiced minx from the Houston division you always vent your problems to. You’d write a letter, but your hand cramps after about fifty words and it’s really hard with the lack of gravity and all. I think she’d understand.
Space trysts aside, society dictates all these rules for this kind of thing: you’re supposed to do it in person and in a public setting, so as not to make a scene. I for one think you owe your former lover the opportunity to make a scene. Holding in emotion really is much harder in front of the person who just betrayed your promise of forever intimacy, so you’re really just putting them in a position to fail. They should have the license to act however they please. Texting gives them the chance to do it away from the public.
They can find solace in nearby friends or family, where they are free to shit talk all they want. Honestly, there’s a chance they use the pain of this to reconnect with estranged loved ones. Which kinda makes you a hero for orchestrating. Sure, you were the reason they became estranged, manipulating your no-longer-soulmate to distance themselves from their mother just because she didn’t like how emotionally unattached you are, but still counts as a +1 to karma on the backend. I mean if a mom is so easily detached from her kid, that’s more than just a you thing.
What would you want if you were them? To stare at the face of the person you love as they tell you they’re boinking the party clown they picked for your son’s 4th birthday party? Is that appealing? Gazing blankly as you try not to picture Chuckles having his clown college tuition justified by your spouse’s desire to hurt you; all because you neglected to take the trash to the curb without prompt? Or would you rather read about it on your phone? It’s time efficient, negates the need to get dressed up for a simple trip to Starbucks, and shows that you did at the very least listen they said they feel most at ease when reading at home on the couch.
Plus, this way, you know you won’t mince words. Think about the turmoil that would occur if you said the wrong thing. Gave them hope that you’d ever be interested in free sex with them again. You’re able to script it out, make sure that everything they hear from you has all been thought out, because dammit, they’re worth that effort.
Anyone idiot can sit down and tell an ex-to-be they no longer want to use them as a social gathering safety net. Especially when you’re guaranteed safety from a public blowup since you’re putting your heartbroken companion in a position of assured embarrassment if they wanted to react emotionally to your traumatizing news. It takes true strength of spirit to sum up an entire meaningful relationship in a small paragraph, knowing your words will be twisted and dissected for months, almost certainly thrown in your face if you ever stumble into each other at a JC Penny in the future.
In effect, you’re making it easier for them to get over you. Which is the most selfless thing you could do. No one loves breakups, but it’d be easier for the other person to justify dropping all emotional attachment to you if you ruin the relationship with an emoji laden text. A text is final, there’s no shot for redemption. But meeting them for a Panera scone at 11pm on a Sunday? A pale, wheelchair bound, nonagenarian could be talked into an Albuquerque timeshare under those conditions. If you wanted to actually communicate your feelings or work through the issues you’d have done that months ago, back before you resented their every molecule.
It’s risky, putting your feelings in writing, as you can’t take those back. There’s no hope for reconciliation if you put into writing that you were driven away by their, “encompassing materialism, brain-dead conversations, and moronic method of loading a dishwasher.”
Honestly, the cowardly move would be to breakup in person. Leaving things unsaid so as not to hurt their feelings, ends up depriving them of the chance for you to impart some real wisdom that could truly help them become a better person. And if you were them, you’d certainly want your advice. You are the world expert on what makes them undatable. So do your soon-to-be insignificant other a favor, and end it over text.
