Hi Rocky, how do I convince my new stepmother to stop attempting to seduce me at family gatherings? – Nelson from Ponce Inlet, 22
Hi Nelson, we appreciate your readership. This is a question we’ve gotten often as step-family porn has become more prevalent in the zeitgeist. Harvard Business Review just published research claiming 83% of all produced pornography is framed under the story device of a married-into-the-family member being overcome by wiener-fever so severe, it can only be cured by 8+ pulsating ounces of tubed family genitalia. More likely than not, your stepmother has been influenced by this propaganda, believing that your willy, Nelson, is worth trashing her life for. I’ve listed several methods you can take to dissuade her from bankrupting your family with another divorce & ruining your relationship with father.
- Claim you’ll tell on her: it is common knowledge that girls hate snitches, because they’d prefer to discover things that have been hidden from them on their own. So there’s little chance she’d want to invite your member to her private parts party if she thinks you’ll blab to your dad.
- Ask her not to pursue you: This is risky because it could be very awkward if she’s not actually trying to sleep with you, but just happened to be unintentionally flirty. But she’ll respect you more for setting boundaries and not even considering moving forward with it.
- Donate her body to science: Scientists will come remove her from you life before anything nefarious transpires. You’re also bound to be showered with thank you notes from the recipients of her organs.
- Have surgery done to make your penis detachable: Anytime she comes over to you, claim that you left your penis at home.
- Describe, in detail, the content of a podcast you’re listened to: This has a 100% success rate as a sexual suppressant.
- Convert to Mormonism: You’d have a built-in excuse (God’s torment) to avoid sex before marriage.
- Tell her you have too big of a crush on your real mom to go through with the second-hand version: she might be jealous at first, but she’ll come to understand that blood is an unbreakable bond.
- Wear a puppet on your hand at all times: No one wants to be fingered by a man who’s hands spend significant time in the guts of a wooden doll.
- Pull your teeth out: Studies show women don’t like men with an incomplete set of teeth.
- Get someone to laugh at a scenario where a woman slept with her stepson: This way, she’ll feel shame in advance of her act. If her PPL (private parts liquidity) increases due to shame, have another friend heap praise and admiration on the act, so she abandons the plan.
- Enlist her in the military: this should buy you at least a few years of peace. If she attempts to renege on her commitment, you can deny her advances on the grounds she is a traitor.
- Get a chastity belt: only in play if you know FOR A FACT, that she is an inexperienced lock-picker
- Hide: to pull off a successful hide, you’ll have to build up your bladder so it’s equipped to contain several days worth of fluid. You can’t risk a bathroom excursion blowing your cover. Choose somewhere out of her vantage point, but where you can still keep close tabs on her. One where, if you see her approaching, you can flee with ease. Intermittent cross country training will go a long way in improving your ability to flee.
- Go to jail for tax evasion: Be sure to omit her from any conjugal guest lists.
- Grow a tail: Typically, women don’t enjoy tails.
- Fart a lot: I’m serious. A lot. Like more than you’d think it’d take.
- Let her know how much time and effort you put into exploring ways to avoid her fucking you: this will probably flatter her enough to satiate the attention she was looking for. Knowing that you were thinking of her all that time, in a sexual manner, will probably do enough for her to eliminate any actual desire for physical pleasure.
The following are options only in the event you create/purchase/win a time machine:
- Go back in time and kill the man who invented step-family pornography: this will be tough to pin down as standard incest was so common amongst royalty for much of history. Just bounce around to several different eras and ask around (be sure to brush up on your Latin!). The first instance where you find someone pedaling incest porn, murder that person, and it will hopefully scare future entrepreneurs from entering that industry. Be careful not to kill the person who invented regular pornography though, because humanity would cease to develop & the world would most certainly descend into chaos.
- Go back in time and kill your step-mom: I know these all sound a bit morbid, but I group them all together to make them more palatable. If you remove her from the picture before she has the chance to enter, problem solved!
- Go back in time and kill Hitler: you should try it, just to see if it does the trick. If not, the effort was still worth it because it’s one of the few ‘good’ murders one can commit.
- Go forward in time to see if fucking your stepmother was actually a good idea: There’s a possibility that this actually improves both of your lives and you should go through with it.
- Go back in time and live out your days in the past, away from the pressures of a stepmom: This seems like an easy alternative, given the ability to move through time. I’d recommend a time when A/C is still a thing. Be careful not to interfere with anyone in your lineage though, or your actual mom might try to fuck you!
- Go back in time & create immense wealth. Become an attractive middle aged man, and then marry your step-mom before your dad can get to her, so you can fuck her without reservation: it’s very rare someone has the chance to cuck their own dad without him being able to ground them. Take advantage. Be sure to tell him you did this because of something he grounded you for during your childhood. He won’t have any recollection of this, as it hasn’t occurred yet, but you’ll feel satisfaction.
This is the most exhaustive list you’ll find on this topic, so if none of these methods work, you’re probably going to have to bite the bullet on this one. If it does come to that, be sure to have the act secretly filmed for your own use in blackmail. Send a copy to us here at The Ogre to ensure your leverage isn’t lost if you are ever compromised.
