Who doesn’t love hearing grownups adult-splain to you what you’re thinking? Just the bestest, right? Nice to finally get their input as they’re usually so hands off. Between teachers, parents, and wrinkly-faced carnival barkers, I’m fed up with adults telling me that I think I’m invincible. I’ll actually speak for all us kids, since I know my fellow 3rd graders feel the same way, and some of us are still struggling to talk good.
What I want to know is who told every tall person that we think we’re invincible. Was it a newsletter from the Mr. Postman who draws hearts and big booster rocket ships on Mommy’s mail? Do the TV shows after 8pm all talk about us? Is it on the baby’s tag when the stork drops it off? I need to know who squealed so we can cut off the misinformation at the source (at least that’s what daddy’s TV newsman yells at us to do).
I’m just upset because I don’t like grownups telling me what’s happening in my head. Most of the time I’m thinking about those dinosaurs who built rockets to escape Earth before the asteroid hit, or how those little pills you put in water turn into sponges that look like starfish, or about how come teachers didn’t give us masks before 2020 when we were all at high risk of getting cooties. I don’t even think I’m invincible when I’m playing Superman in the backyard. He can get killed by kryptonite, everybody knows that.
Kinda makes me think our parents must’ve thought they were invincible when they were kids. Which would make sense, because their educations were badder. I mean, they had science books without evolution and instead listened to a book about a guy who came back from the dead. I’d probably think I could survive anything if someone kept telling me to look up to a zombie, which sounds terrible because you have to switch up to an all-brain diet. It could just be my opinion, but I don’t think coming back as a zombie makes you invincible, because you can still get your head blown up.
Point is, schools are better now. They constantly let me know all the time how easily I can be shot, stabbed, strangled, stepped on, slapped, spit on, and sploded all by strangers I’m not supposed to talk to. But I don’t think me avoiding talking with a would-be kidnapper will save me. Each week we have a speaker come in for assembly who talks about how we need to stay inside because there are bad people who want to kidnap us and hurt us and do mommy-daddy alone time things to us. Then we get home and our parents tell us to stop playing video games and go outside where the bad people are. So if anything, it seems like our parents are the ones who think we are invincible.
My mommy and daddy tell me never to group people together, but then they tell me that all us kids think we’re invincible. I’m think I’m very vincible. They seem to think I’m out there playing with needles and swords when really I just jumped off the couch onto the recliner. They won’t even listen when I tell them that I’m doing it to avoid the floor of lava and that I’m actually being super safe.
It’s not the first time they’ve ignored facts. They first started blaming me after they caught me, Joey, Billy, and Gabe trying to jump his electric scooter through a ring of fire over Billy’s backyard pool full of hungry sharks. Yelling up a storm, not listening to us explain how the carnival barker told us we could win a $15 prize if each of us did the jump on camera without dying. Do you know how long I’d have to save my allowance to get that much money? But they didn’t want to hear it, and now I’m labeled as a ‘kid who thinks he’s invincible’. What a sham.
