Hi Beverly,
How do I get my mom to stop constantly bringing up my weight gain? I recently discovered that potato chips come in different flavors, much to the chagrin of my waistline. I wish I could enjoy my body and my choices without my mother getting on my back about it. What should I do?
– Sam from Perryville
This question gets asked a lot, as weight gain seems to be one of the biggest hot button issues for moms. Hidden behind claims that it’s only because they, “want to look out for you,” “simply be honest,” or “think older photos of you would look better for a tinder profile,” is the deep-seated instinct to protect future familial expansion.
So don’t fret with the thought your mother no longer loves you just because you’ve taken the loss of your cake knife, as your deity’s personal challenge to consume pies by the tin as opposed to the slice. She loves every bit of you but that love is being partially overruled by her hypothetical love for grandkids she feels she’s owed. She just can’t help but subtly make it known that she’d love you even more if you gifted her with breathing entities made for distracting her from retirement’s boredom.
Outside of reassuring your mother that you’re actively ‘sexing’ a graphic designer, (which might come off a bit strong for her taste) the goal is to shift her focus elsewhere. Get full tattoo sleeves of Looney Tunes characters riding roller coasters; install a microchip in her brain that electrocutes her whenever she thinks about your weight. Or freestyle a bit by cutting out her tongue with a Target-brand butter knife. Any of these will distract your mom enough to prevent further mental warfare, saving you the hassle of hearing about your own lack of carbohydrate restraint.
The easiest solution though, would be to tell her that you’re pregnant. It would be overjoy her, and get her off your back for at least the next few weeks while you figure out a plan of attack. In this scenario, you’re going to need to put on even more weight in the interim. How you go about it is dealer’s choice, but I’d recommend a steady diet of before-bed donuts, as the impact will be immediate. Your mom will be so excited for this prospective child that she may even encourage further cravings, as a means of satisfying the needs of the baby.
Same applies if you’re a man. There was a fella on the TV not too long ago who got pregnant and gave birth, so you can just tell your mom that you are one of those ‘medical anomalies’ and that you’d prefer to keep the miracle off the Maury Povich show. Only sticky bit you may run into involves who you’d claim the father to be, especially if you’re a straight male. We’ve got this covered: claim to be carrying for a couple unable to conceive themselves. Your mother should applaud your charitable sacrifice and you’ll hopefully never have to provide her with any further proof.
The real key here though, which probably goes without saying, is don’t actually get pregnant. Lying is the safest, easiest, and most cost-effective way to circumvent the weight questions. Actually getting pregnant would unleash a hellish system of events that would ultimately bring doom upon your work quality, bank account, and already fragile self-image. If a few comments from a woman contractually obligated to love you has the power to bring this much anguish to your soul; then the physical and mental strain brought on by caring a child to term, followed by fostering it past the legal age where it ceases to be your state-mandated responsibility, would almost be guaranteed to ruin you at a core level.
No, it’s better to lie, as it brings less pain for all parties involved. Finding a way out of the fib isn’t the easiest, but it will save face long term. I cannot in good faith recommend claiming a false miscarriage on this imaginary child, as karma will ensure, ‘that which has been foretold comes to pass’, so there maybe other options. Abortion is a viable option, as long as you’re willing to brace the scorn your mother might posses. Only way to mitigate this, is to convince her that the father was indeed the aforementioned graphic designer, in which case, she will probably follow up with resolute understanding. The most seamless and obvious answer though is to claim alien abduction. Absurd: yes. An inability for her to prove your wrong, whilst also explain your new (in her eyes) lack of pregnancy: also yes.
And if you’re had, your facade uncovered by your mother’s low-effort sleuthing, you have the ability to turn it on her. Claim you were so dismayed by her comments, that you felt forced to lie to her as to avoid the turmoil brought on by her fat shaming. You can both get out of the lie, and make it seem as though it’s her fault. This gaslighting may seem a bit morally murky, but that will soon fade as your mother falls back into the cycle of criticizing your weight at the next Sunday brunch you both attend.
If this route doesn’t grab your attention, if you deem it a bridge too far, might I suggest a smaller, just as effective lie. Tell her you’re sterile. Instant sympathy will flow towards you from all angles, and her need to become a champion for the maintenance of the most fuckable version of yourself falls away, as there’s no chance of homemade grandchildren from you anyway. Your eating habits will become justified in her eyes; the coping brought on by an unjust shake from the universe. She’ll lose all incentive to criticize your health and might even toast to your god-given lack of long term responsibility.
