October 11th, 2022
To The HR Rep Already Bored Of This Letter,
I’m reaching out about a position with a fancy title that screams, “this nerd actually paid attention in math class,” or, “I’m a struggling artist who needs this job so I can call myself a ‘creative’ at family gatherings.” I have to say that I believe I can be a strong asset to your team because that’s how manifesting works. My route here is far from conventional, due to the death of my former dreams, but I know I might appeal as one of those candidates you can eventually use as promotion fodder by saying, “remember when I put my reputation on the line for this dice roll and it improbably hit?” Above all else, I promise that my primary goal will be to enhance the brand as much as possible because I’m tired of telling people the name of my company, only to be met with confused and uninterested facial expressions.
I had the chance to work with all of these wonderful companies known for caring about disenfranchised groups for 8% of the year and serving people content or food that (on-paper) isn’t poison. Specifically, my most recent role was as a nameless, faceless cog, whirring unnoticed in a machine used to sell socks to those who already own drawers full of them. Sometimes I’d dabble in shameful propaganda, that was (hopefully but probably not) cancelled out by propaganda for the good-guys. But who would I be if I couldn’t spin morally dubious work into a positive? A rhetorical question I hope you know the answer to because my faith-leader came up empty. At the very least, my success in this most recent position is a demonstration of my skills in coercion, looking-the-other-way, and data analysis; and considering they’re coming from a white, middle-class brain, that has no interest in starting a cult, I figured I’m qualified for anything. However, my most notable accomplishment has been generating large sums of money for the people with longer job titles who never found any sort of interest in getting to know me. Wouldn’t you just love to be one of those people? I know I sure as hell would. I decided to leave that impersonal soul-suck of a job right as they were acquired and they decided to lay my team off without precedent, but don’t get it twisted, I broke up with them first.
Notably, before selling out for the job I thought would be my indefinite meal ticket, I pursued my passion, which shows I have aspirations that far outstrip those without familial financial security. I dared to dream, and we all know that everyone who really, “went for it,” should be rewarded immediately after it fails. After all, the cost of a risky dream shouldn’t be anything less than an upper-middle class cushion. Regardless, I worked exceptionally hard at my “art” and since that effort wasn’t rewarded then, I’d like to cash in now. It was at these roles I accepted abusive work hours & conditions because I was told that’s what everyone does, only to be one degree of nepotism too far away when promotions came. Luckily though, I acquired plenty of hard-skills I loosely remember how to use and which have little application elsewhere.
I hope you see that my loosely translatable credentials are outstripped by my drive to succeed at anything that allows me to continue living in a shoddy one-bedroom apartment. I’m looking to bring my skills to your company because they’re collecting dust right now and I don’t want to do the work to refresh them until you tell me I have to. I’d love the chance to speak with your team in person and exhaust the limits of my imagination to convince you that hiring me would be beneficial.
Yours Sincerely,
Everyone
