I’m sure most of us out there are fed up seeing the US’s military budget continue to dwarf the rest of the world, especially considering our W-L record on our last few contests. It’s starting to feel like we’re the Yankees: a long history of winning due to outspending everyone else, that has faltered in the actual winning part as of the last decade or so. But looking at our straight win/loss record without context misses out on some of our wins. Namely, our continued prevention of werewolves turning larger animals such as bears, lions, and elephants into were-creatures.
This may seem like a given to many of you, but take a second to think about how screwed we would be if the were-people wisened up to the fact that an army of immortal were-bears would mean the end of civilization as we know it. I don’t know how many of you have killed a non-magically afflicted bear, but if that Leonardo DiCaprio movie (read: What’s Eating Gilbert Grape) is any indication, it’s not exactly chutes and ladders.
Truly any animals for that matter. Have you given any thought to how damn dangerous normal animals are without were-blood? Our precious dogs can bite our throats out at any moment. Cats can slash us with their poo and litter caked claws, infecting us to the point of amputation. Owning fish could lead PETA members to infiltrate your house at any moment with the intention of hacking you up with a saw. I bet you guys didn’t even consider that owning a panther could be life threatening. So imagine how much worse it would be if each month they transformed into even more powerful creatures who don’t need even a single abuse to seek your death.
These non-events aren’t luck’s doing. They’re engineered occurrences. The US government’s acquisition of Petsmart led to the development best mind-control animal food money can buy. There’s a reason your animal’s food looks and smells like a urinal cake: because it’s a mind bending poison. But before you get all indignant, it’s the chief reason that Scribbles the cat doesn’t make good on his plans to murder you in your sleep, instead opting for curling up on your lap as you watch TV. It’s your tax dollars hard at work keeping your animals loving you, as well as keeping them from the clutches of the werewolves.
As someone who grew up without a silver spoon in his mouth, I’m obviously terrified wondering where I’m going to get the necessary silver to fashion bullets for these sort of eventualities. Hence, why we should be thankful that our government has taken it upon themselves to annually spend over double the defense costs of the Second World War. They obviously have our best interests at heart with their spending, because up to this point, we still have yet to lose a single war against the citadel of werewolves, the vampire clan, house Frankenstein, or the democratic republic of lemurs on Madagascar.
In fact, we should all be thanking our lucky stars that our military’s efforts have prevented even a single war with a non-human species to occur since 1886. When’s the last time we even heard of a she-hulk outbreak or threat of zombie badgers? You can hold your head high knowing that the loss of your child’s school’s art department is contributing to the betterment of this country. Isn’t crushing the artistic dreams of your offspring, which are already statistically unlikely to occur and financially disastrous if they do, worth knowing that they are safe from savage massacre by mythical beasts? I’m not parenting expert, but to me, the safety of the children should be paramount.
So until we are conquered by werewolves, aliens, or lake monsters fed up with small town life, I’d advise you put down your picket signs asking for a reallocation of spending away from defense. Your safety maybe at risk both in and out of your house if it actually comes to pass.
