Kent, WA – Sporting an exhausted grimace while trying to hide her Instagram scrolling, search party member Eve Bolin wondered aloud whether there’s any real need to continue looking for missing 33-year-old Kathy Hastings after they’d already found a freshly severed leg. “We can pretty much wrap this up now, right?” Bolin posited to a shocked group, “now if this was a finger, an ear, or a wrist, I’d keep going. But we’ve been looking for damn near 35 minutes at this point, and I think the leg pretty much seals the deal.” Hastings’ husband, Paul was nearby and offered a rallying cry to the other search party members in the hopes to continue the search but was cut off by Bolin who said, “Nope. Zero chance she’s still alive.” “Look at this thing,” Bolin continued as she picked up the gory appendage and pointed to the shimmering bits hanging off the edge, “how about we bet on it: if one of you guys find her and she’s alive, I’ll shovel your driveway for life. But if I win, then free pizza for me for a year.” At this point, Hastings’ 11-year-old daughter, Stephanie began to cry as Bolin tossed the leg over her shoulder. When asked as to why she was in such a hurry to wrap up the search, Bolin said it was because she was trying to get to a matinee showing of Kung Fu Panda 4. “That Panda just cuts me up,” said Bolin, “I’m going with my mom and if she spoils anything, I’d just die.” At press time, it was reported that the search party had yet to find anything more than a few fingers, toes, teeth, an elbow, a spleen, both hips, and one eye, but they would continue until, “they found her and brought her home.”
