Annapolis, MD – Standing off to the side as friend after friend was ruthlessly slaughtered by the protagonist, largest henchman Dominic Kiteshock felt he had to wait until after the hero ended the lives of all the other assailants before he could intervene. “I’m the biggest bad who isn’t the main boss,” said Mr. Kiteshock as he dodged blood splatter from the neck of his closest friend, “I can’t start fighting at the beginning. The lead character would have nothing to build up to.” Mr. Kiteshock seemed unaffected as the mystery man sliced and shot his way through coworkers that Mr. Kiteshock labeled, “the easy ones at the beginning,” as he took out his phone mid-fight to check the score of Titans game. When our reported prompted Mr. Kiteshock as to why all of them didn’t simply bum rush this heroic figure at once, he began to get annoyed. “That’s not how these things work. Wouldn’t be a fair fight.” Our reporter followed up with, “but is that worth the lifelong sorrow of their wives, children, and orphaned puppies?,” to which Kiteshock replied, “duh.” Even the central character questioned Kiteshock’s stoicism as he continued to shred through the flesh of minimum-wage henchmen on his way to revenge against their boss. “It’s always like this. I have to dismember the early guys who have little-to-no fight experience. Then a few guys who have actually swung a sword come up, and I have to kill them in more creative ways to up my credibility in the eyes of those still to come. For some reason though, most skilled guy waits till after i’m already warmed up. Never understood why they don’t come in to help out earlier.” Kiteshock had begun to do push ups in the corner, claiming he, “needed the pump to make (his) fight entrance more badass.”
After constant pestering as to the moral issue with letting so many people die if you believe you have the skill to prevent it, Kiteshock gave a more personal answer. “Okay, if you want the honest to god truth. I was going to jump in sooner but saw that Evan was fighting, and I know for a fact that he keeps using my chipotle mayo in the employee lounge, so I waited until he was gone. I then saw Kyle was taking some hacks at it and I’d put $20 on him to be the guy who finally got the kill, so any tampering would forfeit my money. Then it just became me hoping this nameless champion would slip on the loose innards of my fallen work-family and i’d get the upper hand.” At press time, it was reported that Kiteshock was about to beat the champion when a long-lost friend of the hero jumped in last minute to electrocute Kiteshock until his heart burst.
