Lake Oswego, OR – Brandishing his new license with gusto and smiling from ear to ear, the man formerly known as Jerry Bawd legally changed his name to “Dad” in an effort to get his stepson, Will to recognize him as his father. “Now he’ll have to call me Dad,” said Mr. Bawd reassured, “otherwise I can sue him for slander and that sure won’t look good on a college resume.” When asked why he thought Will hadn’t accepted him as a father figure, Mr. Bawd was at a loss. “I’ve been with his mom since he was 3 weeks old. His birth father left after hearing that it was possible for kids to hate their parents, despite the unconditional love. Said he didn’t need that level of toxicity in his life, which I now understand.” “He used to call me dad,” said the man formerly known as Jerry, “but once he figured out he wasn’t my actual spawn, he refused. Only Jerry or Gerald, but my name was actually Ron. He just made up Jerry. So I changed my name to Jerry to spite him, but that only made him laugh at me.”
15 year-old Will didn’t seem concerned with the name change, making it clear his stance on his stepfather. ““He’s not my dad,” he said in a matter-of-fact tone, “being the guy who raises me, cares for me, and protects me doesn’t make you my dad. Anyone can do that. Impregnating my mom makes you my dad and Jerry is clearly deficient there because he’s no one’s dad.” When asked why the Bawd’s hadn’t decided to have more children so that the newly minted Dad could get his fatherly fix, Mr. Bawd said, ““My penis was mangled by a IED while attempting to save a family during my time in the Marines, so I’m incapable of having more children.” Will wasn’t sympathetic, “Maybe he should be that family’s Dad, considering he couldn’t save the guy.” At press time, it was discovered that Will was still refusing to call his stepfather, “Dad” and had reverted to calling him Ron. Mr. Bawd was reportedly having trouble finding a new job as he said, “apparently no one has any interest in hiring a Dad Bawd.”
