Apple Valley, MN – Local fathers burst into cheers after learning the city initiative to eliminate milk men from society passed, providing them all with the future excuse of needing to run out for more milk, as a possible outlet to desert their families. “Historically, dads were able to claim they needed to head out for a pack of cigarettes and they’d be free as the wind,” said father of two Terrance Mapley outside of City Hall. “But cigarettes became too dangerous of a habit to upkeep, just to preserve the possibility of walking out on the people I love most without recourse. We knew we needed a healthier alternative.” The initiative is already spelling new customers for major milk brands, as father of eight Angus Toew explained. “I’m actually lactose intolerant, but I’ll certainly take up milk drinking just so I have the opportunity to abandon my precious angels if the stress of fatherhood ever escalates too high.” Some even claimed it had reframed their entire opinion of milk itself. “Most people only look at milk as a way to add some much needed calcium to their diets,” said father of 14, Lester Ticklebreath, “but I look at it as a chance to remove the shackles of marriage & fatherhood without any lengthy legal proceedings.” Even after hearing that the price of milk had skyrocketed over 300% from just 10 years ago, the men still seemed ecstatic. “Do I know what the price of milk is?,” father of 22, Rodney Infekshun repeated when asked by our reporter outside his local supermarket. “You can’t put a price on freedom,” he said. At press time, it was reported that the now unemployed milk men had begun retreating to their underground bunker, “to hibernate until time travel is invented.”
