Pueblo, CO – Reaching for her Irish coffee while attempting to hide the single tear rolling down her face, 4th-grade teacher Glenda Spanks looked around the classroom with distress hoping any child other than idiot troublemaker, Ralph Sandalcawk would offer an answer to , “what is the powerhouse of the cell.” “Anyone at all?,” Mrs. Spanks asked as she turned her body away from the frantically waving student, putting in real willpower not to say, “anyone at all who isn’t a fucking dipshit.” The exasperated teacher tried to encourage other students to speak by offering bonus points, but was met with malaise, while Mr. Sandalcawk actually popped his shoulder out of its socket so that he could reach higher in the air to get his teacher’s attention. Sensing some time out of the room might give the sleeping students a chance to wake up and answer, Mrs. Spanks popped into the hallway to speak to our reporter about why she refused to call on Mr. Sandalcawk. “He’s a shitstarter,” she said under hushed tones as a student hall monitor passed, “kid is dumber than a pineapple upside down cake and ends up answering every question with some combination of ‘penis’ or ‘dildo’ because he thinks it’ll get a laugh. Which it usually does because the rest of the class is a bunch of future hot dog vendors.” Returning to class and seeing more students asleep than when she initially left, she relented and called on Mr. Sandalcawk, who had gotten on top of his desk to get her attention. “Yes, Ralph? Do you know what the powerhouse of the cell is?,” Mrs. Spanks asked. “No, I wanted to ask if I could go to the nurse,” he replied. Mrs. Spanks eyes softened as she said, “oh Ralph. I’m sorry for not calling on you sooner. You can absolutely go. What hurts?” To which he said, “my penis hurts from my cells giving it too much powerhouse, you dildo.” This elicited a roar of laughter so loud, it awoke several students and Mrs. Spanks pushed a pencil point into her thumb to avoid throwing it at Mr. Sandalcawk’s forehead.
